Sad Day

Today was a sad day.  Today we lost a member of our family.  Today we said goodbye to a beloved pet.  Tim's Grandma Ruth had to put down her dog, Bear.  I offered to go with her to the Humane Society to put him to sleep and it was the most hear wrenching thing I think I have ever voluntarily done. 

Bear was 11 years old.  Gram got him the summer Tim and I were married.  He was the furriest little critter you ever did see when he was a puppy.  He was Rottie and Spaniel mix.  What a combo right?  He never knew he was a dog.  Gram treated him like a person.  He had eggs and bacon for breakfast, steak, chicken or pork for dinner.  He loved his home cooked meals.  Bear went everywhere Gram went.  He would ride in the front of her car, paws on the dash, looking a the world.   Gram would take him over to the creek at Mill City AOG to go swimming.  When he was done swimming he would commando crawl across the grass to dry himself off.  He went to weddings, funerals, baby showers,  and yep, he even went to church.

He very rarely barked.  I have never seen a dog that didn't bark, but Bear didn't.  He got along with most other animals.  He wouldn't bark at wild animals when he saw them, but he would chase a cat in a heartbeat. 

When we went over to the Humane Society, they were very nice.  We didn't even have to take Bear out of the car.  The ladies came out to the car and gave him a sedative.  When that took effect, they brought out the meds.  They gave him the shot and we waited.  He laid his head down on the seat and just looked so sad.  About 6-10 minutes later, the lady came back out, and Bear was still hanging on.  She gave him another dose and gave us some time to be with Bear.  The second shot didn't work.  It slowed his heartrate and breathing, but after another 10-15 minutes he was still alive.  The lady said the the cancerous tumor was absorbing the medication, so it was taking long. 

Do you have any clue how heart breaking it was to watch Gram say goodbye to her best friend?  Let me clue you in..it was harsh.  I went with her for moral support and I cried harder and longer than she did.  I sat in the seat with him, stroking his fur, watching his last few minutes.  Finally the lady came out and the final shot went right into his heart.  Within 2-3 minutes, he was finally gone.  I had no idea that putting an animal down was so hard.

I have decided that when our Bully is ready for the next step of his life, he better just lay down and take his last breaths because I cannot go through that again.  I don't know how the workers at the Humane Society do it every day.  I would be a basket case.  There isn't enough anti depressants out there for me to do that job.  I know all about the cycle of life, but that is one cycle I don't want to have to witness again.

We brought him home and buried him in our backyard with all of Grandma's other dogs.  I'm thinking if they ever X-ray our yard, Tim and I are going to prison..

A New Realization

Today I experienced a bittersweet moment.  Today I realized that my baby girl is starting to notice boys.  She's only 7, but going on 27.  She is way too smart for her own good.  So, today I realize that I need to make her wear blinders when we go out in public.  Here's the situation...

Tim and the men have gone to Maryland for their Honor Bound, so I decided to take Kierstynne out for chinese.   So, on the way home, we stop at Sheetz to get a drink.  As we are standing in line, the door opens and in walks this body builder.  Now, slow down, don't get ahead of me....I have to say that he was very nice looking.  He wasn't so ripped that his veins were popping, but he was very nicely defined.  He was wearing a t-back tank top and shorts.  Nice calf muscles too by the way.  Anyway..as we are standing there in line, after I saw him, I glanced down at Kierstynne and her eyes were bugging out of her head.  I stared at her to see what she was going to do, and as he proceeded to walk between the person in front of us and us, I watched Kierstynne's eyes follow this man and she never moved her head.  LOL.  I lost it...I laughed until I thought I would pee my britches.  She got mad and stomped her foot and demanded to know what I was laughing at.  I was laughing so hard, I couldn't tell her.  I know everyone in Sheetz thought I was high or had lost my mind.  But to see my 7 year old daughter try and be nonchalant about watching a goodlooking man walk by was hilarious. 

I don't think that she was actually looking at him in a lustful sort of way because she doesn't understand lust..at least I think she doesn't.  I think she was just amazed at how big his biceps and pecs were.  She did tell me that his arms were bigger than her head and that if her daddy had muscles that big, he could pick her up with one arm.  If her daddy had muscles like that, suffice it to say that he would never been seen again..

So, now I must be diligent in my observations of my daughter when we are out in public.  At least she knew enough not to let her jaw fall open..:)

Control Issues

Tonight, at church, yes church, the devil tried to cause me to fall back into the old me.  Stupid devil.  Doesn't he realize that he has been defeated?  Kicked back to hell where he belongs?  Has no authority over me?  Guess not.

I know that God has done such a work in me that it still amazes me that He loves me enough to keep working in me, with me.  That old me who felt the need to control everything because of the chaos in my life has been set free.  Praise God!!  But, that stupid old devil tries to cause me to go back there.  Tonight was a perfect example.

Tim and some of the other men of our church are going on their yearly retreat, Honor Bound, this Friday.  Our Pastor has made an appointment for the men to tour the Harley Davidson factory in York, Pa at 10 am.  They are having to leave the church at 6am.  6 AM...most of you know that I am NOT a morning person.  I am just rolling over for my second window of sleep at 6 am.  But, I have to make sure that Tim is at the Sheetz in Clarks Summit at 6:15am.  That is way early.  Too early for me.  So what do I do?  I go to Pastor Jim and say, "I have a stupid question.  Why are you guys leaving so early Friday morning when it only takes 2 hours to get to York?"  Yep, I did it.  I fell back into my controlling self.  Never mind that I am not even going so what does it matter what time they leave?  It's the men's time together and to have a vacation away from the wives and children.  Who am I to tell them when to leave?  But I tried. 

Lord forgive me for falling for the devil's tricks again.  I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and trust other people to do what is best.  They aren't stupid and I am not the only one who knows how to do things.  Help me Lord to trust You to help me defeat the devil and his stupid tricks. 

The thing is, that stupid devil will never give up trying to drag us back into the old ways.  He doesn't want us out of bondage.  He knows his time is short and he is trying everything in his arsenal to cause us to fall away and revert back to the old us.  Don't let him.  The Word says that "No weapon formed against you shall prosper."  So that means that nothing that the devil tries will work as long as you trust fully and rely on God Almighty. 

In Corinthians it tells us that we are "a new creation.  That the old has passed away and ALL things have become new."  Thank God that I am not who I was and I don't have to believe a word that comes out of the devil's mouth because he is a liar.  The Father of Lies is what the Word calls him.  He couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it.  Place guards all around your mind, heart, and spirit that will protect you from his wiles.  He is crafty.  He will use your past to affect your future if you let him.  Stand firm on the Solid Rock.  Dwell in the covering of the Almighty.  Let God fight the battles for you and you will never lose.

I am Beautiful

Last night as I sat at my scrap desk working, I had on The Spirit XM radio channel on Directv.  I was thinking to myself that sometimes I feel so unworthy.  So ugly.  Because of my past, I still struggle with these feelings.  Even though I know that God has set me free from my past, those thoughts have been so ingrained that they still rear their ugly head every now and again.  As I sat listening to the tv and using the creativity that God gave me, this song came on.  I hadn't ever heard it before and it came out last year.  Mercy Me has some amazing songs out there that just touch the inner spirit man of myself. 

Take a listen and really hear what the lyrics are saying.  It touched me and made me feel, well, BEAUTIFUL!!!

http://youtu.be/7C2o0jHNRuU

Crazy Mom

It's now 3:50 am and I am just now going to bed because I have spent the last 5 hours playing games on Webkinz.com to help Kierstynne collect webkinz coins so she can decorate and enlarge her tree frog's house.  His name is Mr. Greenly.  How sad is my life...lol  After the day we had yesterday, I should have let her earn her own coins, but I'm a good mom and I love my kid.  And the games are actually kinda fun.  LOL.  So, because of this I am not going to be posting tonight about anything serious.  Stay tuned for another informative post from my many thoughts.  Good night..

Dealing with an angry child

I love my daughter more than life its self, but there are days when I want to slam her through the wall.  Today was one of those days.

We had a great school day.  6 math lessons and practiced spelling words.  All done in 21/2 hours.  Great day.  Then 7 pm rolls around.  I don't know if she is just overly tired or what, but I was waiting for her head to start spinning around. 

Kierstynne went upstairs and got her daddy's guitar..which is ok..daddy told her she could play.  She plays in the living room for about 20 minutes ( she's pretty good too not having any lessons) then she comes in the kitchen where I am eating dinner and reading a book...Multitasking my way..lol  She wants to sit in here with me so that I can watch her play.  No problem.  I pull out the chair for her so she has enough room and won't bang the guitar off the table.  She sits in the chairs, puts the guitar in her lap and proceeds to start huffing and puffing.  You would have thought she was the big bad wolf or something.  I ask her what her problem is and she looks at me with this look that made my palm itch to smack it off her face.  She proceeds to yell at me that it isn't working.  That she is angry.  I, very calmly, say to her, "Ok.  What isn't working?"  You could see it in her eyes that she wanted to slam the guitar down and start yelling.  I gave the look..you know what I mean..and she thinks better of slamming her daddy's guitar.  She starts yelling and fussing so, being the good mom that I am, I, not so calmly this time, tell her she better watch herself because she is about to get in serious trouble.  WWWEEELLLLLLL....she looks at me and says, "WHATEVER." 

Oh no..she had done it.  She turned me into my mother.  I looked at her and ask her what she just said.  She looked at me, all brave and whatnot, and said, "I said..whatever."  Do you have any idea how hard it was for me not to backhand her out of the chair.  I think I probably would have if she hadn't still been holding her daddy's guitar.  I was losing it.  I felt the anger well up. 
"Hang on to your sanity", I thought.  So, I told her to put the guitar up.  She leaned it up against the bookshelf.  No, I told her.  Put it in the case, go brush your teeth, put your pjs on and go to bed.  Well, that was just the icing on the cake.  She flipped.  She starts crying and stomping around.  I sat in the chair thinking to myself, "Do I beat her now or wait until I calm down?"  My anger was feeding off of hers.  Not a good sign.  I gripped the edge of the table, looked at her, and in a very low voice said,"You have a choice, either go do what I asked you to do or I am getting the paddle, pulling your pants down and going to beat your behind."  Needless to say, Mommy won this round.

What has gotten into my child?  A year ago she was the sweetest, most loving child ever.  Now she has been invaded by aliens.  Aliens that know exactly how to push my buttons.  I don't like this new Kierstynne.  I want my sweet little baby girl back.  I know she is growing up and those hormones are beginning to kick in, but this is ridiculous.  She even told me I was the meanest mommy ever.  Yeah ok, she has never watched Mommy Dearest.  I know I am not mean, but it hurts when your child looks at you with tears running down her face and tells you how mean you are.

After she got ready for bed, I called her to me.  I calmly told her that I loved her very much and that I was sorry she became so angry.  I explained to her that even Jesus got angry, but that the Bible says we aren't supposed to sin in our anger.  I explained to her that it was her choice to fly off the handle like that not mine.  Her actions got her sent to bed early.  I prayed with her and hugged her and told her again how much I loved her.  This time, she told me she loved me too. 

So, as I sit here writing this blog, I feel drained.  Knowing that this isn't the last time I will have to deal with alien Kierstynne's anger and attitude, I pray for strength.  I pray God will show me the right things to say, the correct way to punish her when she disobeys, and that He will give me the patience to see her through.  I love my child so much and only want her to grow up to be a well rounded, good person who loves the Lord with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.  I hate it when she has those fits.  Will she grow out of them?  I surely hope so.

Portrait of Jesus

A few days ago, I posted on Facebook about a message I heard from Evangelist Carl Harris.  He talked about how the world views Jesus.  It gave me a totally new perspective on the crucifiction.  I would like to share it with you here and expound on it from my perspective..

When you see pictures of Jesus, you see many different things.  In some He looks angelic.  Some portray Him with blond hair and blue eyes.  Some even show Him looking kind of feminine and weak. Not that all women are weak..but you understand my meaning.  Even the pictures showing Jesus on the cross portray Him as skinny, pale and weak-looking.  I do not believe this is the case and after listening to Carl Harris, I know this is not the truth.

First off, Jesus was a Jew from Israel.  Most, not all, but most of the people from Israel are olive complected.  They have dark hair and dark eyes.  This dispells the notion that Jesus looks white...no blond hair, no blue eyes.

Secondly, Jesus was a carpenter.  He spent hours and hours using hand tools and good, old fashioned muscle power.  He had no skill saws, dremels, automatic drills or nail guns.  Everything He did, He did by hand.  This means that His biceps, pecs and triceps were huge.  He wasn't wimpy or weak in the least.  The Bible tells us that Jesus went into the temple and overturned the money changer's table.  These were not particle board tables.  They were heavy, solid wood tables and some may have even been made from stone.  With just His arms and righteous indignation, He overturned them.  Not a job for a weakly wimp.  He walked every where that He went which means that His leg muscles were very strong and well defined.  To use a modern day term, and meaning no disrespect, Jesus was buff.  He more than likely could have taken on many of today's body builders with no problem.

Thirdly, When Jesus walked the Via Delarosa up to Calvary, He carried the cross beam that would later be attatched to the cross.  History tells us that these beams weighed upwards of 500 pounds.  He carried this beam and only stumbled once that we know of.  This, after being beaten and abused, is a sign of great strength.  The Bible tells us that Jesus was unreckonizable as a man.  His skin was lacerated to the point of being all but gone.  What was left of it, was just hanging on His body.  There were bruises and lacerations on His face, His beard had been plucked out and a crown of thorns were brutally pushed into His scalp.  These were not the thorns that we think of on roses.  These thorns were anywhere from 1-2 inches long.

Now, I want you to imagine the reaction of the Roman Centurions as they watched this man walk up Calvary's Hill.  They knew they had to crucify this man.  They knew, as they stood there, that they were about to drive stakes that looked much like the railroad ties we have today into this man's wrists.  As He lay himself down, with a little help I am sure, on the cross, I can imagine the centurions thinking to themselves, "How are we going to wrestle this man's arms down.  He is so strong, even in His condition.  I don't know if I really want to do this.  He could kill me with one blow."  I'm sure their words would have been alittle different, but the concept was the same.

Grabbing one hand, they were amazed at how easy it was to stretch out Jesus' arm on the beam.  BANG! BANG! BANG!  No screams of pain, no pulling against the hands that held the arm.  Amazed is probably a good word for the thoughts running through the centurion's minds.  They couldn't believe that this man was just lying there.  Ok, now for the other hand.  Is He going to fight this time now that He knows what it's like?  Is He going to reach up and strangle me?  Ok, here goes nothing.  But before they could reach for Jesus' other arm, He, of His own free will and conciously, laid His arm across the beam.   How utterly amazing.  Who would voluntarily lay their arm across the beam knowing it was about to have a spike driven through it?  Is this man crazy?  Does He like pain?  No, He was in love.  With you and me.  Jesus' love for us is what possessed Him to lay His arms outstretched.  Love allowed those spikes to be driven into His flesh and sinew.  Love nailed Him to that cross.  Now to set the cross in the ground.  There was an 18 inch deep hole that the centurions had to set the cross in.  This wasn't a sanded, rounded corner, beautifully shellached cross.  It wasn't for decoration.  It was a rough hewn log with a cross beam.  No splinters had been sanded.  Jesus wasn't just going to slide easily down to a resting place.  As the ropes were pulled taut, the cross began to raise.  Positioned over the hole, it dropped into the hole.  Jesus' body slid down with a jolt.  Splinters the size of small branches would have slid into the exposed muscle on His shoulders, back, backside and thighs.  Not a pretty picture is it?  And to think, He loved you that much.

Hanging there on that cross, Jesus could have said one word and it would have been over.  A simple word would have ended all the pain and humiliation He was experiencing.  "Come" would have taken Him away to His father in heaven.  At that one word, 10,000 angels would have flew down from heaven to rescue their Maker.  But your life was worth more than His pain.  Your eternity meant more to Jesus than His discomfort.  Picture in your mind...Heaven and the angels gathered around God's throne.  You can hear them begging.  Pleading..Gabriel and Michael on their knees, tears flowing down their faces begging God to let them go get Jesus.  How emotional that day was, not just for Jesus' mother and friends, but for His father and the angels in heaven. 

Many people think God turned His face away from Jesus because He couldn't stand to see His Son suffer like that.  That may very well be true, but I think He turned away because He wanted to send the angels to get Jesus.  Yes, God knew His Son had to suffer death on the cross and become the one last final sacrifice for salvation, but as a parent, I think it was excruciating for Him to not save His Son.  I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to save Kierstynne from death.  I would call 911, I would go through hell and back to save her.  She is my daughter, my flesh and blood.    I would have had to turn away too because I would have sent the angels to get Him.  God knew, from the beginning of time, that His Son, Jesus, would endure death on a cross, but the actuality of seeing it was torture for God.   Knowing that in order for His creation, whom He loved beyond belief, to be able to spend eternity with Him, He had to sacrafice His one and only Son.  That love, agape love in the Greek, is unfathomable for most people.  Would you be able to sacrifice your child for the salvation of the whole world?

As Jesus hung there on that tree, I can only imagine the thoughts running through His mind.  Or was the pain so intense that He couldn't even concentrate?  Looking up into the heavens, could He see the angels watching?  Could He see His father's face?   I don't know.  I would like to think that even if He couldn't see them that He could feel the love radiating down. 

Jesus asked for one thing while He was hanging there.  Something to ease the dryness in His mouth.  When He realized that the water they offered Him was laced with some kind of opiate, He refused.  Why?  What He was doing He was doing of His free will.  He wanted no pain relief.  He wanted to be in His right mind.  He wanted to be concious of His sacrifice.  I believe that if He had given in and took of the gall they offered, the world would have said He was drunk and didn't have a clue.  In order for the Cross to mean what it was meant to mean, Jesus did everything fully concious and with deliberation.

So the next time you find yourself taking the cross for granted or find the crucifiction story becoming mundane, think about what you have just read.  Think about how much God loved you when He didn't even know you physically here on earth.  When Jesus was on the cross, You were on His mind.

Em's Thoughts on Today

Today was a good day.  Kierstynne had a birthday party at the Wilkes-Barre YMCA and after driving around the same block 3 times, we finally found it.  There is no sign out front of the building so I had to ask a lady walking down Northhampton St. where the dang thing was.  But, we made it.  Kierstynne got to go swimming and have a  nice blessing her friend, Emma, at her party.

Tim and I got to got out for date night tonight.  We dropped Kierstynne off at Grandma Mary Kay's and went to Quaker Steak and Lube for dinner.  It was nice, fairly quiet and delicious.  We talked, as much as Tim ever talks, and just relaxed and enjoyed each others company.  I love the Loaded Baked Potato Soup there.  It is so very yummy.

But most of all, it was a good day because I put God first in my day.  When I awoke this morning, I awoke with a song in my heart.  For a little over three weeks now this has been happening.  I always wondered what people meant when the said they woke up singing their heart song.  Well, I don't actually wake up singing.  I wouldn't want the dog to start howling, but in my head and my heart I am singing.  Most days it is a different song.  Some days it's the same song as the day before.  But the miracle is that it is happening.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.  I can do nothing on my own, but through Jesus Christ, I can do ALL things.

As we were driving to dinner, I was telling Tim about the sales that AC Moore is having.  I told him that it never fails that when I don't have any money, they run killer sales on scrapbooking products.  My sweet husband, who is usually so pessamistic, says to me, "Well, that is your test.  You are being tested to see if you are going to do what you are supposed to do."  Thanks Tim.  Thank you for reminding that it isn't going to be easy to fight my flesh on this whole money deal.  Especially when there are some scrapbooking items I need to finish the Christmas presents I am making.  But, I know that God is good and He will see me through to the end of this addiction to spending money.  I know that God will strengthen me to stay away from the stores.  I thank Him for providing me with those little reminders.